Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Married at First Sight S:4 E:10 Trauma Over Trust


Getting "Married at First Sight" is an ultimate relationship risk. Putting your trust in a complete stranger is another. When you combine these two, you have extreme emotional vulnerability, often leading to fear. 

But the greatest capacity for love happens in a relationship where there is no fear. In order to remove that fear, you have to build a solid foundation of trust...and that takes time, being dependable, responsible and reliable. 

Derek and Heather

To develop trust, you must first define what that looks like to each person and set a solid foundation.

What is important to you when you think about trust? In what ways has past broken broken trust affected who you are now?


Heather: "I am a stubborn person. And sometimes I'm stubborn and it's hurtful to me."

Once you define what trust is, you begin by showing your partner you are dependable. Showing dependability means matching actions and words. It also means honoring your commitment and keeping your word.

Unfortunately Heather shut down before they could even have the trust conversation. Communicating those thoughts to each other clearly would have avoided their initial conflict and de-escalated their frustration.


Derek: "Heather and I share a very interesting connection at this point."

The experience of being "Married at First Sight" is a rare opportunity. Can Derek and Heather take what they learned from this process and apply it to future relationships? 


Nick and Sonia

A second component of trust is being responsible. While we've all made mistakes, taking responsibility means acknowledging choices, actions and the results they've led to. 


Sonia: "It's crazy how this changes like not even day to day, it's hour to hour, minute to minute." 

Trust is a lifelong journey that ebbs and flows in relationships. Hurt is inevitable, along with the instinct to withdraw. However, creating a closed environment to protect yourself from betrayal, does not allow you to live life to the fullest.

How do Nick and Sonia move beyond their broken trust? Nick has take responsibility and own up to his insensitive and hurtful comments, without being defensive or casual. Sincerity is a must for healing to begin. 


Nick: "I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I guess
it wasn't directly aimed at you, even though it was about you." 

It's also critical for Nick to examine and address the real reason for his outburst. While being unkind and disrespectful is never okay, it's important for Sonia to look at how she may have contributed to Nick's disconnect.

Can Nick and Sonia truly forgive and begin to build trust beyond friendship? Is their relationship worth the ultimate risk of being honest, open and completely vulnerable?


Tom and Lilly

A third foundation of trust is being reliable. Reliability means supporting and comforting your spouse during difficult situations. Having their back and being in tune with their needs allows them to feel emotionally safe. 


Tom: "I'm way more patient and thoughtful about feelings."

Character strengths of emotional safety are being authentic, open and showing emotional integrity. Each week we've seen this develop with Tom and Lilly. But emotional safety can look different for each person. 


Lilly: "For me, you not trying to see so long-term...or having these conversations, worries me."

One layer of emotional safety for Lilly is knowing that Tom sees their relationship long-term. In order to completely give her heart to him, she needs to feel confident he has the capacity to match her goals and dreams beyond the six week social experiment. 

Creating an emotionally safe environment takes time, especially when people move at a different pace. Can Tom and Lilly get to a place where they both feel confident enough to break down their final barriers? 


***
Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS 

Watch "Married at First Sight Confessions" on +FYI Television Network Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30pm CDT, followed by "Married at First Sight" at 8:45/7:45pm CDT and #MAFS #Unfiltered hosted by +jamie otis at 10/9pm CDT.

Married at First Sight Interviews

Rachel DeAlto Shares her Story
Connecting with Pastor Calvin Roberson
Getting to Know the Season 4 Singles!




Check out these hilarious Top Tweets Blogposts!

S:4 E:5


Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Married at First Sight S:4 E:9 Moving Beyond Friendship


This week's episode of "Married at First Sight" on FYI, easily vied for the top spot in intensity. As we enter the fourth week of this radical social experiment, emotions were running high, for participants and viewers alike. The focus now is in moving these relationships beyond friendship. 

Derek and Heather

You have to be willing to cultivate a friendship in order to move to romance. It takes a desire to be curious and learn about someone's individuality, without judgement and criticism. It takes building trust by proving you are invested and loyal. With Derek and Heather's tumultuous honeymoon, they unfortunately never even made it to friendship.


Photo credit: FYI

Heather quickly came to the conclusion that she could not see a future with Derek. She clearly didn't know how to navigate her discomfort with the situation. Her distance shut down any hope of them getting to know each other. While I understand her not wanting to lead him on, it felt like she never gave the relationship a chance.  



Photo credit: FYI

Despite their rocky start, Derek was committed to their marriage. His hope for success was slim, but he was willing to take the risk, complete the process and use the experience as a learning tool for personal growth. Despite the fact that they are no longer a couple, it appears he will still have the opportunity for that growth. 



Photo credit: FYI
The experts are going to continue to show support to every couple, even if they decide to get a divorce. ~Dr. Pepper Schwartz






The most compelling thing for me, is to see the experts continuing to invest and work with Derek and Heather. It shows they truly care about them as individuals. Dr. Pepper's advice to hold themselves accountable is spot on. If you can take responsibility and focus on the part you played in the break-up, you can learn from your mistakes and become a better person. 


Nick and Sonia

When trying to go from friendship to romance, you have to let your partner know that you care. Depending on how each person defines love, that can look completely different. For Nick, it's planning a dinner and buying flowers. For Sonia, it's physical touch. Both their needs have to be met in order for the relationship to develop. 


Photo credit: FYI

Realistic expectations are essential and patience is key. It's going to take time and effort for romance to blossom and grow. The desire to take the relationship to the next step must be mutual. It requires kind, yet honest dialogue about what each person needs to move forward. It also takes an unwavering commitment and hard work, every single day. And that's not easy. 



Photo credit: FYI


Even the littlest insecurities and concerns they are feeling can start to feel overwhelming. ~Rachel DeAlto 







It's clear that both Nick and Sonia are completely terrified of getting hurt in this process. Sonia is willing to work on the relationship and her lifelong habit of shutting down and walking away from conflict. Nick needs to develop trust to allow himself to be emotionally available. He is uncomfortable talking about his feelings, especially in front of the cameras, and he doesn't handle the pressure well.  


Photo credit: FYI

Nick's harsh words are coming from a place of fear. He's afraid that Sonia will shut down and walk away from the marriage. Hence, he is building a wall as high as the Miami Four Season's. 

Sonia and Nick have both made mistakes. Unfortunately, any amount of trust that was built, seems to have completely shattered. With only two weeks left, can they forgive one another, leave the past behind them and focus on building a future together? 


Tom and Lilly

It takes longer to develop open communication and trust when you start a marriage with building friendship. One way to speed that along is by reassuring your partner you are committed to the relationship. Tom and Lilly have been great about showing each other they are in it for the long haul. 


Photo credit: FYI

Spending time as a couple with family is important to moving from friendship to love. Combining two families is even more key. Lilly's surprise party for Tom was the perfect opportunity for family and friends to intermingle and get to know one another. It allowed their loved ones to see the deep connection they've built. When families are accepting and supportive of the marriage, bonds deepen.


Photo credit: FYI

Sharing hopes and dreams is another way to build trust. It lets your partner know you are invested in a future with them. Lilly has attempted to have conversations about having a family, but Tom's comfort zone is in focusing on the present. This is a bit of a conundrum to Lilly.


Photo credit: FYI

Building trust means letting our partner know we are there for them, for short and long-term. It means both reassuring them about the present and being willing to discuss the future. Will Tom take Lilly's needs to heart and be willing to take the conversation to the next level?


***
Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS 

Watch "Married at First Sight Confessions" on +FYI Television Network Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30pm CDT, followed by "Married at First Sight" at 8:45/7:45pm CDT and #MAFS #Unfiltered hosted by +jamie otis at 10/9pm CDT.

Married at First Sight Interviews

Rachel DeAlto Shares her Story
Connecting with Pastor Calvin Roberson
Getting to Know the Season 4 Singles!




Check out these hilarious Top Tweets Blogposts!

S:4 E:5


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Married at First Sight S:4 E:8 Communicating Through Conflict


This week's episode of FYI's Married at First Sight was a shocker. Although they have always had the choice to walk out on their marriage, this is the first time a couple has ended it before the six week social experiment was over.

Last week's episode blog was about how feelings and personal identity are affected when having difficult conversations. This week we'll take it a step further and look at how the couples are communicating through conflict. 


Heather and Derek

When we are not secure in our identity, an all or nothing attitude can develop. This happens because in an unstable situation, we go into self-preservation mode, seeing things in black and white, judging people as good or bad, right or wrong, worthy or unworthy of our love.

Photo credit: FYI

In an effort to secure our own identity, information is denied that is not in line with our way of thinking. If we see ourselves as a "good" person that does not make mistakes, we look to blame others to block out the pain we cause them.

Acknowledging mistakes and seeking help is critical to resolving conflict in a committed relationship. If that can't be done, walls will remain up and building a connection becomes impossible.


Photo credit: FYI

Derek and Heather clearly made mistakes in their two week marriage. However, Derek was willing to work on personal growth in their marriage while Heather was not. It's hard not to place judgment based on what we see, but each of us responds to a set of circumstances based on our previous experiences. I honor them for the risk they took, wish them the best and hope they learn from this radical social experiment. 


Nick and Sonia

In a delicate conversation, we can get knocked off balance and stumble or stammer through our words, instead of articulating our thoughts. Things can then be said or interpreted incorrectly. When we hear things that hurt us, adrenals can kick in and trigger our fight or flight mode. 

Photo credit: FYI

Taking a break to regroup can help put things into perspective. Examining why we react the way we do is an important step to moving forward. Being honest about our triggers can help us to avoid reacting to them in the future. 

Admitting our part in a miscommunication, can start a meaningful learning conversation. Opening up will develop an emotional connection and start the process of building trust. 

Photo credit: FYI

Nick and Sonia are looking internally at how they can improve communication. It's clear they want emotional intimacy to develop before starting a physical relationship. However, that's happening at different rates for them. Will the tantric massage experience bring them closer to physical intimacy? 


Tom and Lilly

Conflict can leave us feeling anxious and uneasy. Not only do we have to face another person, we also have to face ourselves. The ability to communicate effectively can go by the wayside when we feel fearful or unsure.

Photo credit: FYI

It is inevitable to get off kilter on occasion in a meaningful relationship. The key is in being able to get back on track in order to move the conversation forward. It's when we express ourselves that we give the relationship a chance to become stronger.

There isn't a more critical time to tell our spouse we are committed to the marriage than in the midst of conflict. Showing we are there in good times and bad, builds a solid foundation of trust.

Photo credit: FYI

Lilly had a personal challenge when finding out she needed surgery. Tom proved his devotion to her by saying he would stand with her no matter what they have to face. Calm reassurance that he was in it for the long haul, was exactly what she needed to hear. Will they continue to build trust and bring their walls down? 


***
Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS 

Watch "Married at First Sight Confessions" on +FYI Television Network Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30pm CDT, followed by "Married at First Sight" at 8:45/7:45pm CDT and #MAFS #Unfiltered hosted by +jamie otis at 10/9pm CDT.

Married at First Sight Interviews

Rachel DeAlto shares her story
Connecting with Pastor Calvin Roberson
Getting to know the Season 4 Singles!




Check out these hilarious Top Tweets Blogposts!

S:4 E:5




Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Married at First Sight S:4 E:7 Managing Difficult Conversations


The "Married at First Sight" couples (2 out of 3) have moved in together and they now must learn to adjust to the new reality of living with a spouse. Merging two lives isn't an easy thing for any couple, much less someone you are just met. 

Managing conflict is an integral part of marriage and the couples dove right in, having difficult conversations this week. 



Derek and Heather

When trying to determine exactly what is going wrong in a situation, things can quickly go awry. Finding the truth is difficult when you have two people with different perceptions of the facts. It becomes essential to avoid the case of who is right and who is wrong. If the quest is to be right, opportunity is missed to hear another perspective. 



Photo credit: FYI

One way to get around this is to ask the question, "What if my perception is wrong?" When we open ourselves up to curiosity and asking questions, we are able to see the situation from another lens. 


Understanding where someone else is coming from does not mean we have to change who we are. It means letting go of our assumption of rightness. Only then can we fully embrace another person's viewpoint and look for ways to to problem solve together.



Photo credit: FYI

In order for Derek and Heather to resolve their conflict, it's vital to look at the situation with no blame or judgement. Forgiveness is a critical element to moving forward and finding a resolution. In the meeting with Pastor Cal, Derek committed to staying married for the six weeks. Will Heather follow through with her commitment?



Nick and Sonia

Feelings are at the core of all difficult conversations. They can build relationships up or tear them down. 



Photo credit: FYI

The key seems to be in managing feelings. Easier said than done, right? Especially when you are just beginning your journey with someone. It takes a foundation of trust to let down your walls and let them in. Expressing emotions is scary and leaves us feeling vulnerable. 


To understand feelings, we must first acknowledge and understand where they are coming from. Only then can we express ourselves, share our story and allow the other person to get to know who we really are. Trust develops when both people feel honored, valued and listened to in a relationship.



Photo credit: FYI

Getting married to a stranger is the ultimate relationship risk. Freely expressing yourself and being vulnerable is the ultimate personal risk. Will Nick and Sonia take that risk and learn the best way to satisfy their very different languages of love?



Tom and Lilly

Our own identity is at the center of every conflict. When we feel personally challenged, it's natural to become anxious or uneasy. It makes us examine who we are and what we value most in life. What will we have to change? Do we even want to change?



Photo credit: FYI

Each person brings negotiables and non-negotiables to a relationship. First we have to know who we are and what we want in life. Compromise allows certain parts of our identity to be fluid. What each of us considers a deal-breaker is something that fundamentally defines us, making it difficult to concede.


It's hard to wait when frustration sets in, but waiting to discuss critical issues is key. Plan a time with no distractions, when both can speak to the heart of the matter and share what is important. Remember, agreement takes two people. We cannot change someone unless they are willing to change. 



Photo credit: FYI

Tom and Lilly have been great at compromising thus far. Decisions of where to live and whether to have children are vital issues for them to come to an agreement on. Is six weeks enough time to make those life-altering decisions? 


***
Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS 

Watch "Married at First Sight Confessions" on +FYI Television Network Tuesdays at 8:30/7:30pm CDT, followed by "Married at First Sight" at 8:45/7:45pm CDT and #MAFS #Unfiltered hosted by +jamie otis at 10/9pm CDT.

Married at First Sight Interviews

Rachel DeAlto shares her story
Connecting with Pastor Calvin Roberson
Getting to know the Season 4 Singles!




Check out these hilarious Top Tweets Blogposts!

S:4 E:5