Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Married at First Sight S:3 E:5 Top Tweets




Top Tweets 

Due to the holiday I didn't do a Married at First Sight Top Tweets blog last week, but this week's tweets make up for it in awesomeness! Enjoy...





































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Watch Season 3 of Married at First Sight Tuesdays at 9/8c on FYI and A&E



Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS









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This my own personal lens on walking the journey of Married at First Sight. It does not represent any person involved in the show and any similarities are coincidental. 

Screencaps made by Bee, courtesy of FYI and A&E

Monday, December 28, 2015

Married at First Sight - Journey From the Lens of a Viewer S:3 E:4



Like many viewers, my husband and I watch Married at First Sight because of it's rich, valuable, life lessons, for us as individuals and as a couple. 

This week as we take a journey through the honeymoons, our lens will focus on how, who we are as an individual, impacts us as a couple. Here are my thoughts on what it would feel like to walk in their shoes...


Trust 


"Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks" ~ Isaac Watts

Trust is honesty, loyalty and respect. When you trust someone, you have confidence that you are physically and emotionally safe with them.  

You bring your past experiences, hurts and fears into this relationship. It is an integral part of who you are. Once you've been hurt, it is hard open yourself up to trust again. 

For you, trust is built gradually over time. Time is one thing you don't have when you marry a stranger. You look for the signs; consistency in their actions and words, consideration of your worries and fears, ability to listen and support, respect of boundaries. You see glimpses of these and have hope that the tiny seeds of trust that are planted, will blossom and grow into the foundation of your marriage.



Personalities 


As an introvert, you are private and reserved. You get your energy in the quiet solace of being alone. You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and are slow to develop relationships. You need time to reflect on your thoughts and ideas and seldom make a quick decision. Your energy gets drained when you are in a crowd or in constant conversation with others. 

As an extrovert, you are exuberant and outgoing. You get your energy from being with others. There are times you jump into things without thinking. You love conversation and are an open book, sharing your thoughts and feelings without hesitation. Your energy gets drained when you are alone.

The experts matched you up with someone to compliment your personality. But in order to balance each other out, you need to understand one another, be willing to reach out of your comfort zone and above all else, have respect for one another. 



Communication Styles 


As a direct communicator, you feel honesty is the best policy and let the facts speak for themselves. You have a "take charge" attitude. To get your desired outcome, you tell people exactly how you feel and what needs to be done. Your firm and clear approach can be seen as bossy and at times, abrasive. 

As an indirect communicator, you value politeness and expect people to read between the lines. It's easier for you to tell someone what they want to hear. You often hold your tongue to avoid conflict, tension and uncomfortable situations. Your wait and observe approach can be interpreted as being passive aggressive. 

In an intense, emotional situation, you lose your filter, push too hard, or completely withdraw. Watching how you communicate your thoughts and actions is gut-wrenching. You see the mistakes you made and the pain you inflicted. You know that you can never retrieve your words or your lack of communicating them...and vow to use this as a learning tool to become a better person. 




Levels of Engagement 



Since you first met your spouse, you have been at different levels of engagement in the process. You have feelings of shame and guilt that you don't know how to deal with. You are a caring person and don't want to cause hurt feelings.

You react with outward frustration or inward silence. Either way comes across as being disrespectful. Your body language shows your discomfort. Do you speak the words that explain your reaction, knowing it may cause a rift, or remain silent, and deny your very existence?

You are real. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You can't fake, you can't run, you can't hide.


Being Overwhelmed 


  • You feel you are being judged and your honesty is being misinterpreted.
~~~
  • You take this very seriously and need assurance that you are both on the same page.



  • You know there is no excuse for being and unkind to anyone, especially your spouse.
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  • You are not communicating your feelings. Your frustration builds until you can no longer contain it. 



  • You are over communicating your thoughts and feelings and it's pushing your spouse away. 
~~~
  • You are trying to be open to the process, but the pressure is too intense.  


You feel all alone. There is no one to talk to who will understand. Nothing can prepare you for this. 



You turn to family, friends, & the experts to give you the clarity, support and encouragement you need to make it through another day.

Whether by choice or by a life altering event, you recommit to the process. You look for reasons to trust, understand why the experts matched you and commit to work as a team. 


Response

You understand the place of passion from which people are responding. You even agree with some of what they say. 

But the personal attacks begin to weigh your spirit down. You wonder if they understand that by their hurtful words, they are doing the very same thing they are criticizing you of doing. Does anyone ever "deserve" this? 

You put on your shield of armor to protect the arrows from penetrating your heart. Tis the season for love and above all else, forgiveness. You will be that example. 

***
Watch Season 3 of Married at First Sight Tuesdays at 9/8c on FYI and A&E



Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #MarriedAtFirstSight or #MAFS









***

This my own personal lens on walking the journey of Married at First Sight. It does not represent any person involved in the show and any similarities are coincidental. 

Screencaps made by Bee, courtesy of FYI and A&E

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Married at First Sight - Journey From the Lens of a Viewer S:3 E:3



Last week I asked you to step into another's shoes and join me on a Married at First Sight journey. We took stops on the way to our final destination of compassion and empathy. 

Journey Through the Lens of a Viewer S:3 E:2

This week I'd like you to continue with me on the journey. I ask that you keep an open heart and allow yourself to feel. 




The Goodbyes 



It's time to say farewell to your family and friends; those that have stood by your side and given you strength with their undying love and support. A feeling comes without invitation and refuses to leave; fear of the unknown. 

How do you go from the comfort of familiar arms to the unfamiliar arms of a stranger? As you pull away from the crowd of faces that make up the tapestry of your life, you leave a little piece of your heart with them.




The Wedding Night  


You are alone with this stranger that is now your spouse. You try to relax and let your guard down, but it's difficult to do when you have no foundation of trust. So you put your trust in the process. You put your trust in the experts who matched you. Above all else, you put your trust in the divine power that brought you to this place and in this time. 

You try to keep an open mind, but questions swirl around like a whirlpool and threaten to close it. Do speaking the words "I do" come with automatic expectations for physical intimacy? How do you show affection to someone you just met? Will your thoughts and feelings be honored and respected? Does the discomfort written all over your face cause the pain of rejection?

You tread ever so lightly on this path of eggshells, to ensure they don't get crushed. Tenderness, understanding and humor help ease the tension. Whether wrapped in arms or a safe distance apart, you slowly drift into a cautious state of unrest...with a stranger.  





Family Brunch 


There is an unspoken bond that binds the families together. Above all else, they wish love, joy and happiness for you.

As you interact with your partner, they watch with exuberant joy or cautious optimism. Questions are asked and advice is given...because the role of a parent doesn't end when you join with another. 

There are feelings of comfort for the instant connection...feelings of joy for the hope you see in their eyes. There are also feelings of guilt when you don't fully return the welcoming arms that embrace you.  




The Experts 


You put one of the most important decisions in your life into the hands of experts. You take a giant leap of faith, because without faith, you know there is no hope and no love.

Chemistry is one thing the experts can't predict. If chemistry is instant, does it reflect the moral compass within? If chemistry is not instant, can it be cultured and grown with honor, integrity, compassion and love?

The experts are with you every step of the way and it's time to take your first step as a couple. They advise you to to be open, kind, generous, inquisitive and to make no assumptions. 

You are committed to the process and you agree to keep an open heart and mind. There is a reason you were matched and you are ready to explore what that reason is. 




The Honeymoon 


The honeymoon provides you an opportunity to leave all the stresses of life behind and completely focus on your partner. When you marry a stranger, the honeymoon is non-traditional and completely out of the norm. 

It's adjusting to the role that each of you play in the marriage and how you relate to one another. You participate in activities to have fun and dinners to get to know one another. It also provides a non-threatening way to allow you to take leaps or baby steps towards physical intimacy, at a pace you are comfortable with. 

The most important thing is to have good conversation...talk of your hopes, your dreams, your goals and how to merge those into one shared vision for your future. 

You begin to let down your guard and start to allow yourself to be vulnerable. 




Communication 


Trust is the foundation of marriage. Honesty is the foundation of trust. To have honesty, you need to feel safe when speaking your truth.

It takes courage to open your mind and speak your truth; it takes even more courage to open your mind and listen. Especially when what you are hearing hurts. Marriage is not free of pain. It's hard work...every single day.

Acknowledge your truth and share it in a respectful way. Fully receive what you hear and honor what your partner is experiencing. This is the the art of mindful communication. 




Fears


There is fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of pain and fear of failure. The fear you bury deep down inside, comes to the surface when you are thrust into situations of uncertainty. The pull to bring you down is strong.

It takes every ounce of courage you have, to stay in the present. It means you challenge unproductive thinking and break down the emotional barriers your heart starts to erect. 



Regrets
Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. ~Jim Horton
You feel regret for your actions and words and the repercussions are immediate. A feeling of discomfort settles in your gut. You wish you could take back your words and you blame yourself for the distance they create.

Regret is part of every life and mistakes are inevitable. Life is about learning from your mistakes and moving forward, so you can become a stronger, better person. 




The Response

Words are a powerful tool. They have the power to instantly lift you to the highest mountain or cut you to the quick. The passionate messages on social media can affect either response.  

There are people that add to your life and people that subtract from your life. The adders give you positive energy and inspire you to become better. The subtractors suck the life out of you, drain your energy and bring you down.

You have a platform for evoking positive change. Your life is your message to the world. You choose to make your message one of inspiration, adding to the lives that you touch.  


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This my own personal lens on walking the journey of Married at First Sight. It does not represent any person involved in the show and any similarities are coincidental. 



Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Women of #Black Love - Getting Out of Their Own Way S:1 E:2



FYI's groundbreaking TV series, #BlackLove follows five women through 10 weeks of workshops with psychotherapist, Jack Daniels and certified dating coach, Damona Hoffman. 

The task last week was for the five women to focus on exactly what they were looking for in a man. Points to consider; deal breakers and separating wants from needs. A deal breaker for Monet Bell, is a man who seeks happiness in someone else. "For me, I need you to be whole on your own before we get together." 


This week they need to consider how they may be getting in their own way of finding love. The convo goes deep and examines how confident, strong, women of color are stereotyped in society. Monet shares, "I'm not allowed to be upset about anything because the moment I'm upset about anything, I'm an angry black woman." She goes on to state, "It's like, we can't breathe. I can't be a person." 


This brings me to a place of self-reflection. From my lens of white privilege, I realize I don't know what it feels like to be labeled for expressing my emotions. I feel sad and helpless that others have to experience this, but shame and guilt paralyze forward progress. Bringing awareness and having honest dialogue is the first step to breaking down the stereotype.    



Getting Out of Your Own Way

Cynthia Branch

As a licensed social worker and life coach, Cynthia feels the need to find the best version of her own self in order to best help others.

Cynthia tells me she decided to participate in #BlackLove, "to learn more about myself and  improve the areas in relationships that I find challenging. I also wanted to be assisted in making a decision about whether to formally end my marriage or not," she adds. 



The decision to end her marriage is one she agonizes over. "I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to feel like a failure." However, she comes to realize her "happily ever after" is indeed over. "I am emotionally drained. I feel abandoned, unloved and just left to die. I can't believe this is my life," she says. My heart hurts to see this. No one should ever have to feel that way. 


So what went wrong? She tells psychotherapist, Jack Daniels, "Our communication was horrible. I over communicated and he under communicated." That statement is gold and I've thought a lot about how it relates to my marriage.

Cynthia is reluctant to make her list of wants and needs in a man and it's getting in her way.  "I feel like a list is so black and white. I kind of want to just vibe with someone," she tells Monet. 

As an Afro Latina, she's dated mostly African American men. She realizes this could be another barrier. Cynthia shares, "A personal challenge for me is to open myself up to different kinds of men when it comes to dating. It may be time for me to explore new possibilities." 



Jahmil "Jae" Eady

Jae tells me she came into this process, "hoping to find clarity around what I truly wanted in a relationship and what changes I needed to make to get there". 

We saw the visceral reaction she had confronting her past with certified dating coach, Damona Hoffman, and she admits, "I didn't expect to have to open up about my childhood so much."

While Jae wasn't expecting the therapy to be this extensive, it has given her some clarity. "I learned that I was very reserved and defensive when it comes to discussing my past. But sometimes you have to go back to the past, in order to move forward," she says. 

Some retail therapy with her friend JJ is just what Jae needs. With his help, she comes to 2 major conclusions; 1) her childhood has influenced her romantic relationships and 2) the relationships she's building are not fulfilling. That's some serious realz right there. 



So what is getting in Jae's way? She asks herself, "Is it possible for me to find a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship when I always place my professional career, sense of freedom and personal growth first?" That's a compelling question and key for today's modern, successful woman. She adds, "I have not been able to find a balance that works up to this point, but with Jack and Damona's help, I hope I will!" 



Laree "La" Thomas


La shares with me that this process was more than she expected. "When I signed up for the workshops, I did it with a 'sure, why not' attitude, not really connecting to what it would really mean." She adds, "I didn't realize the work I would have to put in, to the commitment of finding love." 


During the workshop, La has us all rolling with one phrase..."ug mug". Seriously, who hasn't had an ug mug or two in their lives? More importantly, how do you define ug? Is it outward physical appearance or inward character and values? These are great points to ponder. 

La is not the type to wear her heart on their sleeve and she struggles to tell her boo Karl that she cares. "I've been hurt in the past in other relationships. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and let someone in," she says. 

La knows that the walls of steel she has erected around her heart are getting in the way of her relationship with Karl. When he recently expressed that he loves her, La's response is awkward silence. Most of us have had the "pleasure" of experiencing those crickets, whether on the giving or receiving end.


She steps way out of her comfort zone and brings Karl to meet the girls. We see a giddy, school-girl, blushing La that is adorable. 








Tennesha Wood

Tennesha is my Minnesota girl. That connection to Mall of America and the Guthrie Theatre is strong. But more importantly, I connect with her as a fellow perfectionist. You don't even want to know how many hours I spend typing and retyping my blogposts to ensure every word is exact. 

Words and actions define who we are. Tennesha has been careful with both of these in her new relationship with Errol. Knowing that her controlling habits definitely get in her way of finding love, she wants it to be different. "I've been able to keep the controlling part of me at bay with Errol," she says. 



Over dinner, Errol reveals he hasn't dated anyone other than Tennesha since they met and he asks her to date him exclusively. Her smile can't contain how special she feels. We all sigh our collective "ahhs" at how cute they are when calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.  



She giddily tells the girls, "I'm boo'd up. Everything with him feels easy." But quickly adds,  " I'm almost like, where's the trick?" Don't go there honey. When you first find the one, life should be a piece of cake. That's why they call it the honeymoon phase. 



Monet Bell

A major roadblock for Monet is hanging on to pieces of her marriage to Vaughn. Thousands of viewers are having a major "aha" moment as they connect with this. That's what I love about this show...so relatable. 


Cortney Hendrix from the Married at First Sight #FirstWivesClub comes over to help Monet purge the old to make room for the new. They celebrate the arrival of Monet's divorce papers and viewers can actually feel the burden lifted from Monet's shoulders. The magic of reality TV. 

Jack sets her up with a real gentleman and while there is attraction, the conversation is stilted. He reveals he's more into "real" dogs than "toy" dogs and Monet isn't having any of it. You love Monet, you love her Yorkie. It's a package deal. 



To put final closure on her past, Monet throws a "Starting Over" party. This ends one chapter of her life and starts another. We're with you girl. It's time to move on to amazing. 








Tune in to #BlackLove Tuesdays at 10:15/9:15c on FYI

Follow me on Twitter @realitvwithbee and live tweet using #BlackLove


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